Cell phones will destroy our society

Before I get into this deal, let me give you a disclaimer: I know I’m about to sound like I’m 80+ years old. You don’t have to point that out to me. I get it.

I’m convinced that cell phones will be the downfall of our modern day society. They are removing vibrant, personal interaction and replacing it with a cold, sanitary form of communication.

I give you exhibit #2 (#1 will come later). Yesterday evening, my daughter and I were running errands after school/work and decided, in an effort to save time, we would eat a nutritious dinner at McDonalds. NOTE: This marks the 3rd time I’ve eaten fast food in the last month (way above my average) and the 2nd time of those 3 that I’ve had RAGING diarrhea afterwards. Coincidence?

Anyhow, as we were sitting there, letting the food slide down our throats after only 1 or 2 bites (wonderful technology McDonalds has… pre-digested food that dissolves on contact with saliva), when a cool, edgy group of teenagers came in. They were all “punks” as evidenced by their skin tight pants, studded belts, Misfits T-shirts, and temporary hair dye. Although, a couple of them had extra makeup on so maybe they were goth punks or emo punks or some subdivision of punks. They were WAY cool, though, trust me on that one.

So these young hipsters invaded the McDonalds in full force. There were like eight of them at least. Of that four of them were either talking or texting on cell phones. Since they were in communication with someone other than the other seven people they were with, those four were off in their own little world, not paying attention to their surroundings or much of anything other than that little plastic devil box.

The four poor bastards whose parents apparently wouldn’t let them have a cell phone, were also not talking to each other. They were just staring off into space like they were zombies. Zombies who were cursing their parents somewhere deep in the pit of their dark, black hearts… “Why won’t you buy me a cell phone, Dad? Punky Johnny has one? That girl with the pancake makeup, fake eyelashes, and a streak of pale green in her hair has one? You know, the one with ultra pale skin and a bunch of zits? Why are you such a dick, Dad?”

With eerie silence this pack of undead robots shuffled through the restaurant. They milled about aimlessly for a few moments. How did they know where and when to move without any verbal communication? Was it telepathy? Is it just a herd instinct? Fascinating.

Eventually they moved over to the line and queued up. If they had any emotion I’m sure they would have been all giddy and eager with anticipation at the feast they were about to consume. But there is no room for emotion, evidently, when you are tapping away at that fucking little keypad trying to make any kind of sense out of one letter words.

Let’s move to Exhibit #1. I was at a bar in Santa Monica last June with my brother in law. We were drinking whisky, singing karaoke, and generally have a good old time. I looked over at a table of four dudes in their mid to late twenties. Two of the dudes had their faces buried in their cell phones, texting to god knows who. The other two, were just staring off into space. Again, zombies. This went on for at least 5 minutes. Literally nothing changed for 5 minutes. Two of them texted and two of them stared of into space. Not one word was spoken during that time.

I began to shout at them with my mind. “Who the FUCK are you texting? You’re at a bar! Either text them to come to the bar or go see them and talk to them in person! If you’re going to be at the bar, have a good time at the fucking bar with the people you are with! You are SO FUCKING rude! If I was in your party I would slam that phone out of your hand, bring my heel down on it and smash it into hundreds of tiny pieces which I would proceed to shove up your ass one by one.”

I just don’t get it. If you are going to go out with your friends, shouldn’t you hang out with the friends you are with? If you want to hang out with someone else, then go hang out with them and see these people later. The zombies that hang out with them are just as bad because they just sit back and take that disrespect. They must have the lowest self esteem on Earth to be content to sit next to a person while he or she has a great time engaging in a trivial conversation with someone else. To me it would be akin to me sitting in bed, naked, with my naked wife, while another dude proceeds to jump on top of her and screw her brains out while I just sit there and stare about the room like nothing is going on.

If we continue down this road, we’ll evolve into creatures that don’t have mouths or ears anymore. Let me tell you, go ahead and Photoshop some hot model by removing her/his ears and mouth? Not too sexy. In addition to this undesirable physical modification, we apparently are also moving towards a two caste system of the privileged and non-privileged. The privileged (let’s call them Textors) will have a bunch of contacts that they can text at any hour of the day and night. The non-privileged (let’s call them Bitches) will be troglodytes that have no other friends and therefore must hang out with the privileged, who allow them to tag along sort of like obedient dogs.

That is not a society that I want to be involved with. So if some day, while you are texting your buddy, if someone starts to shriek and slaps your cell phone out of your hand (and maybe shoves the pieces up your ass)… that’s me.

You are forewarned.

-David