I am Nostradamus

This past summer, Judas Priest released a double CD concept album about the life and times of Nostradamus. It is called “Nostradamus” and it rocks very fucking hard.

As I look back through some of my 2008 NFL predictions from the beginning of the season, I can’t help but to think that I am very much like Nostradamus.

NOTE: As I’m writing this I’m listening to “Nostradamus”, in particular the song “Prophecy” which was the song they opened up their concert with this summer. Let me just say that Judas Priest FUCKING ROCKS!!!! And Rob Halford is a FUCKING BEAST!!!!!!

Anyway, here is what I was thinking back in early September:

1) The defending Superbowl Champion New York Giants will finish no better than 3rd in the NFC East (and miss the playoffs).
Well, I got this one pretty wrong and I’m pissed about that. I hate the Giants and I hate that they won the NFC East. I still think they will unravel, though, so I would like to re-visit this one more time before the Superbowl. My new post season prediction is that they lose their first playoff game. They are a bunch of dumb, punk ass twats.

2) Brett Favre will help the Jets and get them to respectability this year (not quite to the playoffs, but close).
I’m going to call this one a success. I know people are all on the hate bandwagon for Eric Man-gina and Favre for supposedly sinking the Jet’s playoffs hopes, but let’s just say it takes 53 men and a whole coaching staff to lose games so don’t just heap it all on those two. Keep in mind this team was PATHETIC last season so I’d call 9-7 and just missing the playoffs respectable year over year.

3) The Jacksonville Jaguars will win the AFC South.
Damn. I knew Indy wouldn’t win the AFC South (I could smell the tide changing) but I thought it would be Jacksonville. Who would have predicted their collapse this season? Nostradamus? Not me. As much as I want to call this one a push I guess I have to call it a bad prediction.

4) The Pittsburgh Steelers will go 11-5 and win the AFC North.
Nailed this one. They technically went 12-4 but I’m taking this as a win.

5) The Cincinnati Bengals will go 2-14 and Marvin Lewis will still not be fired.
I’m calling this one a win also. I think they ended up something like 4-11-1. What a bunch of flaming douchebags the Bungles are. I know the coaching hatchets have not all fallen yet, but trust me, Lewis will keep his job and those pictures of Mike Brown blowing the dead corpse of his father, Paul, will remain safely in the vault.

6) 7-9 will win the NFC West (the Cardinals or Rams, if anyone cares).
You know, I’m going to call this one a win. Technically I think the Cardinals were 9-7, but you have to agree that the NFC West is still the weakest division in football. And the Seahawks are a bunch of Shit-hawks which always makes me happy.

7) Santonio Holmes will statistically be the best WR in the NFL.
I pretty much go this one 100% wrong. Wow, Santonio performed well below my expectations. Let’s hope he either snaps out of his funk next year or Limas Sweed catches on. If not, our WR corps is going to look a little anemic next year after Hines Ward and Heath Miller.

8) Satan will come to claim the soul of Bill Belifuck and his bitch, Tom Brady.
Yeah, let’s call this a win. For sure, Brady had to finally punch his ticket. Let’s hope all those infections he had during his recovery will end his career. Fuck him. And since Belifuck missed the playoffs I’m guessing Mr. D also tapped him on the shoulder and told him it’s time. Expect the Patriots to go 2-14 next year. YEAH!

9) The Cleveland Browns will take the leagues best offseason and still manage to fuck it up and lose.
This one was almost too easy. How could you not see this coming? I feel bad even taking credit for this one. See you later, Romeo… was nice knowing you. Maybe some other NFL team is hiring big, fat cheerleaders with blank looks on their faces because that is all you were.

10) Rashard Mendenhall will score more yards from the line of scrimmage than Felix Jones (this does not include special teams).
I’m also pissed about losing this one because I actually made a bet with my buddy Jack on this item. I’m not sure what the totals finally were, but I’m 99% sure Felix did edge out Rashard. I’ll make this same prediction next year, though, what the hell.

11) DeSean Jackson is the rookie sensation WR of the year.
I’m not sure about this one. I’ll call it a push. DeSean did a lot for the Eagles this year but you also have to give a lot of props to Eddie Royal. And that said, I’m not sure either of them were truly sensations.

Not bad, eh? If I tally that up I was 6-4-1. I’m thinking anything over 50% success rate in the prediction arena constitutes a win right?

What about the post season? I thought somewhere in a previous post this year I picked the Superbowl as a Dallas vs San Diego affair but I can’t seem to find that post. I also remember thinking, after the first week of the season when the Steelers trounced the Texans that I would reserve the right to sub in Pittsburgh instead of the Chargers. But I think I was too lazy to post that addendum so we’ll not count that now. But for sure, Dallas vs anyone obviously won’t happen as Dallas choked a huge dong and missed the playoffs (boo hoo). As I sit here today I’m going to go with Carolina vs Pittsburgh in the Superbowl. My dark horses would be Philadelphia in the NFC and Indianapolis in the AFC.

As far as Wild Card Weekend, I’m going with:

Atlanta over Arizona

Indy over San Diego

Baltimore over Miami

Philadelphia over Minnesota

Yep, I’m picking all four road teams this week. On any given Sunday (or Saturday in this case)…

So get your beer’s chilled and your hot fries ready to go. The NFL post season is at hand!

Enjoy,

-David